My thoughts on parenting whining children

Recently, Alycia (my oldest) and I were together talking about her life (which has been under much stress recently).  The Physician she is working under now has complimented me on how she was raised (yes, he actually called me after her accident and told me this and he has told her several times to tell her parents that they did a good job).  Those comments got us talking about how I did not allow her sisters and she to whine as little girls.  When one of the girls did start whining, I would always tell them that I could not hear them when they were talking like that.  Once they could talk to me in a normal voice, then I would listen and attempt to solve the problem or meet the need.  If this technique did not work, then they would be sent to their rooms until they settled down and could speak to me in a proper way. 

Alycia talked about how many people she has encountered who do not know how to talk about a problem or need without whining.  I shared with her about how much time and patience it takes to keep on addressing this problem as a parent. There are always doubts as I wonder if I did it right and I still question if I was too hard on her and her sisters.  I now need to trust that God will take my parenting efforts and use them in their lives. 

After this conversation, I read this Crosswalk article on whining and then sent the article link to my daughters via email with this subject line - “Guess I did not handle your whining correctly as a Christian Mom.”  In the article, the author suggests that the approach I took towards whining was not a correct one (which of course, made me doubt myself again).

 In just a short time, I received this comment back from Alycia ..“Humm-I have about a million things to say about that article right now. Let me just say that you did not ignore our whining. You pointed out when we were whining and required us to use a tone of voice that was more respectful (which is essentially what she is telling parents to do). You did a good job with us! And THANK GOD you didn’t use a “no whine watch”. I think that may have worked as well as the chore chart!”

Then Laryssa wrote me that she too remembered the chore chart with all of it’s pretty colors of ink that no one appreciated or used.  The chore chart was my idea after seeing another Mom use one and I thought I needed to be like her and make one as well.  But to be honest - my girls already were doing the work that I asked/required of them on a daily/weekly basis and the chore chart was perceived as my whining at them.  I remember when I put it up; it was not appreciated or followed because it wasn’t needed. 

When your child whines it is hard not to give in to get them to stop.  It requires endurance that you are consistent with each child each and every time they whine.  Some days, it just seems easier to give them their way.  But that does not solve the problem now or later - we all know adults that whine and it is not pleasant.  It is possible to raise children who do not whine and who can communicate with you respectfully.   Do be sure that you are communicating in a respectful manner with your children and that you are not whining at them because you are comparing yourself or your children to another family. 

God has equipped you with the knowledge and understanding of your children to do your job as a parent - listen to your instincts and be the mother, ask for advice if you need it and pray every day for every child.  If your child is whining, first ask God to reveal to you how you should handle it for that child, then do it on a consistent basis every time (even when you are tired and can’t stand the thought of another battle with that child) and pray continually for wisdom and love.  I know that it is hard, but as they grow up it does get easier if you are consistent and prayerful. 

I hope that someday, your child’s teacher, boss or mentor will call you and thank you for the work that you have done in not allowing your child to whine.  It is a fulfilling experience to know that the work you did (that no one seemed to notice or appreciate) is helpful to your almost graduated Physician Assistant Daughter.

A Good Reading Resource for this topic is:

Be the Parent  by Kendra Smiley who I just had the pleasure of meeting and I love her book Aaron’s Way which is great if you are raising a strong will child.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hope you had a wonderful Mother’s Day!